Friday, June 24, 2005

Scary Movies

I guess I am someone who you can classify as a spontaneous person. I like spontaneity and I act on impulse. I sometimes do something for no apparent reason, simply because I feel like doing it and I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering, 'why didn't I do that?'. But that also means I sometimes do certain things I end up regretting, like hopping on those silly thrill rides that really scares the shit out of me. But I was glad that I tried having the smelly toufu in Hong Kong. I can still remember the stench of the sewage pipes coming from the itchen when the dish was delivered to us. Look on face - priceless. Sad though I didn't have a picture to show it.

Anyway, today I shall talk about another bo liao topic. As you can see I am again procrastinating on my report for my Hong Kong trip, but then again whatever...

I don't like scary movies. I don't like scary movies because, well, they scare me. Even up till now, I still cannot comprehend why a reasonably logical person would want to spend good money just to get scared when the money could be better utilized on more worthy causes such as books, CDs, or even a sinfully good buffet. It would be really in a very insane state of mind would you see me in a movie theatre watching all those scary movies. In fact the last horror one which I was passively been dragged to watch was "What lies beneath" and I remember half of the time my face was hidden conveniently behind my haverpack and my mouth muttering prayers throughout. It was quite a traumatic and stressful 2 hours for me and the very fact that we went to watch a movie was to destress. Since then we watch shows like "Shrek", "Shrek 2" and "The incredibles"- Safe, and wholesome entertainment and with no resident spooks and apparitions.

Anyway the Japanese and the Koreans had really mastered the art of making really good and "horrorful" horror movies, from the previews I have seen but up till now I refused to get dragged along to various horror flicks such as The Eye, Dark Water, Shutter and Para Para Sakura over the past few years. The really good ones like "the ring" is still collecting dust on my TV console.

In fact as a third and neutral party, I feel that I would be able to provide people especially those who are scaredy cats like me to survive the ordeal. This is especially important if you don't want to come across as a pathetic, useless person who get cardiac arrest everytime a thing, a sound or a fart comes out..

Being the selfless and *cough*humble*cough* person that I am, I shall share all my tricks with you

The Art of Watching Horror Flicks Without Looking Like A Nervous Wreck. Guide To Surviving Horror Movies

1) Wear as little as possible to the movie.
So when you're shivering in fright and fear, you can conveniently blame it on the air-con instead. Remember that the aircrn are always dialed to the max especially in the cinema. Call it the 4D ( not the gambling stuff but the fourth dimension) A standard scary movie outfit for guys consist of nothing more than a singlet and a pair of sports shorts, Footwear: optional slippers or sandals. For the ladies, you might want to try your luck with a spaghetti or more daring bikini top, beware though you might end up giving the ah peks at Lido a heart attack or something.

2) Carry something
Bring a bag, haversack, or baby along. When you are busy with say, fiddling with the bag handles, straps or even baby pacifier, this can make it easy to pretend watching the movie but yet focussing on something else.

3) Buy lots of snacks into the movie theatre.
Inconclusive studies have shown that one's reception to scares is reduced when one is engaged in secondary activities, such as munching on nachos while irritating the hell out of your fellow movie goers. Try not to buy nuts though: I will not be responsible for any cases of choking.

4) Wear shades into the theatre.
That way, you can pretend to be watching the show even though your eyes are wide shut during then. If your date bugs you about it, just pretend to look cool and talk weird like those guys in the Matrix, and she'll probably leave you alone after a while.

5) Do not reach for your drink at the end of the show
Not even if your throat feels dry because you were scared shit-less. Because what appears to be the end of a scary movie is usually not the ending. They will probably trick you with what seems to be a happy ending and then shock you by getting the resident spook out to say bye-bye. It is not cool if you choke on your coke.

6) Limit your line of sight to the subtitles section.
Do not, I repeat, do NOT under all circumstances sneak even a peek at the main screen. Your cover will be blown once you start screaming after that bug-eyed apparition made its grand appearance. Since you're been reading the subs, you'll also be able to hold an intelligent conversation with your date after the show ends. But if there're no sub-titles, tough luck.

(Mr Ng had so far sworned off horror movies and the last he watched was "The Eye 10" on VCD. It was still pretty traumatic for him and since then he has been sleeping with his pillow on his face and blanket wrapped around him. He strongly cautions those who follows the instructions that it might work in principle but then he will not be held responsible for any unfortunate circumstances that might happen)

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