In the midst of the marking frenzy, i felt that there is a need to catch a breather in an attempt to regain my sanity.
things are getting unthinkably draining here. maybe it is just the mid year fatigue that I have failed to get used for the 8 plus years of my teaching career. I am sick of the uncertainities that is happening and would really want to get my options settled.
the thing about being up there making decisions is a draining process, if it is not about making the right decision, it is about why a decision is to be made, and finally how to translate a decision into a series of action and the course of action to be taken. Seriously i am a bit tired with this. Maybe it is just me , but there are alot of things that I dont see eye to eye up till now. Perhaps it is just about the tipping point that will move things to try something new.
I am thankful that i turned my back on remaining in familiar ground 3 years back and moving to a new environment for it gave me the courage to try again. A aprt of me had been dead as a result of this, the sense of belonging. Maybe with the benefit of hindsight, this had been a good training ground for me but there is still something that up till now i have been having difficulties reconciling.. people called it pride but it is about ownership and the sense of "pride" of your own work. Sadly these feeling of achievement had been strongly lacking for the past few years. It had become more of a job and a task to be completed.
The thing about being there at the middle is that you are judged by people and at the same time you must judge others. A bad judgement of those who you are supposed to judgement translate to your capabilities as a leader which in turn will affect the way people judged you. In a no win situation, the exasperating thing is to do the role of the bad guy. Maybe it is just me but I hate the idea of doing the judging. This is my 3rd year doing this, and I am still uncomfortable with that. The worst is when things is about "who" rather than "what", that is when this job become tougher. I am tired about this more than anything. Give me the judging of a student, give me the judging of a class anytime.
it is time to make a decision about things. Let hope God will answer my prayers for a solution. :)