Sunday, November 28, 2004

time checked... it is 1 15 am in the morning.. seems like i have a penchant to type really early in the morning. Well it is really weird as in Hong Kong, this is considered early....

meet up with some friends today, it is really great to have all these friends here, somebody local to depend on for trips like this.

Was out meeting some friends and then went to ladies market which is a little like the pasar malam in singapore, though the stuff are really much cheaper especially the....
Went to LAm Kwai Fong, which is the Hong Kong equivalent of Jalan Sultan. Really happening there, went with an Austrian friend and a Hong Kong classmate (my Sheffield University Classmate) at this very interesting pub where there is a live band and the patron sings with the band.. had a couple of drinks and a volka jelly... now reallt tipsy... unfortunately too drunk pissed to sing my guts and liver out.
If you are wondering how I am able to write this out.. I will try to figure it out and write in my blog when I have recovered from my drunken stupor...

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Greetings from Hong Kong

Yes I am back.. don't ask me how i get to use the computer with internet access. But I guess this is a fringe service provided by the motel.

Yes I am staying in a motel, pretty interesting though, it is actually a HDB converted hotel with about 6 rooms, and my room had barely enough walking space, after 2 beds, 1 miserable cupboard are in place. Anyway will try to upload the pictures once I returned. Will try to keep all my "fans" updated...

Got to go to bed, got a busy day ahead.. And time check, it is 1 plus in the morning... SIGH

Friday, November 26, 2004

A new post until I returned from Hong Kong maybe on the 1st or 2nd or even the 3rd... whatever. Keep your sanity intact!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004


IJ is planning to set up a new uniformed group known as the NCC. Whether it is land sea or air, it doesn’t really matter. I have seen enough from the little I saw from the other uniformed contingents; well it somehow already confirmed my suspicions; IJ girls are better dancing and singing and prancing around a la Singapore Idol. Nothing too disciplined or else they will melt like icky ice cream in the sun.

Meanwhile, as I was entertained and enlightened by Dilbert's many profound observations on life, the universe and everything, I can already envisaged many stomping IJ girls especially those in the uniformed groups all after my blood. Damn I may not get a greeting in unison from the ever sweet Girl Guides who are always trying to tie and untie poles to bricks. I am perplexed than ever about why young schoolchildren would want to spend a day or two each week, and more during the holidays, being tortured. Maybe it's all the masochists who join NCC, so they can perversely rejoice in their suffering, “Yes Madam!” “No Madam!”. Or maybe they're just channeling their innate and hormonal urges to play at being soldiers. In fact don’t get me wrong, I feel that your spirit is admirable, marching through the long hours in the sun, shouting kiri, kanan, and berhenti. I just realize that as the years go by, the qualities of the girls in terms of taking all these suffering seems to go down a little by little, very much like an exponential curve.

In an unmistakable Saturday morning, I was observing a small group of “pseudo soldiers” practicing drills. It sure bring back fond memories. However what really caught my attention was when the commander gave one command, the contingent took about 5 seconds ( yes 5, I did count with my hand holding the touhuai) to respond, and then to my horror, a couple of them turned in the wrong direction. Good gracious me! I am shocked at the lack of direction sense of the girls! Imagine this! A soldier to go to war and to bomb the neemy base at the LEFT of the map and this idiot actually move to the RIGHT thinking it is the LEFT!! I shuddered at the thought of leaving the defence of the country to this fellow, and I have the same response to the one girl who made a left turn instead of a right. YES it was DAMN obvious and DAMN embarrassing!!!

Anyway based on my experience with the REAL NCC training (READ: 2 and a half years in the ARMY), I am more perplexed than ever, why would anybody joined the NCC? In some ways, NCC is even more regimental than the SAF. When the cadets sit on the floor, they adopt a posture reminiscent of the lotus position, sitting cross-legged with straight backs and stretching both arms out to rest on their knees. They then have to ask their ICs permission to relax and adjust themselves or to drink water. Why the ICs don't give this permission every now and then as a matter of course, or just ask the superiors for carte blanche permission for the cadets to rest, is beyond me. Hell, even their eating is regimental! The ICs are also very fierce, even though they are the same rank as their men. Maybe it's all the vying for recognition so they can get promoted faster, or get the title of Best Trainee. Anyhow, everything can probably be summed up in one word: "discipline" (read: stupidity). Of course, they have their home, their parents, their siblings, a soft, fluffy bed and lots of soft toys waiting for them at the end of the day, and if worse comes to worst, they can always quit.

Anyway to help the school to recruit more gungho (Read again: stupid) Secondary Ones, I have decided to use some of the army recruitment posters. I tried to think of spoofs of each, but I didn't succeed. Results of my brainstorming below:

1) The mud on my face is soil, the IJ soil… Picture will show an IJ girl in the army uniform, going through an obstacle course, sweaty and of course showing the victory sign with mud on the face.

2) Who has the spirit?"... "Who has flagging spirits?". Picture will show IJ girls after a 40km route march (Read: window shopping from Takashimaya to Plaza Singapura and back - shagged, demoralised and close to exhaustion, but with loads of shopping bags.

3) "Who will keep us safe?" IJ girl, carrying the IJ praying bear, with a candle by the side. Stack of A maths homework and a teacher with stern eyes watching.

4) "Who has the motivation?" -> Picture will show the miserly allowance that IJ girls get every month. "You pay me peanuts, you get a monkey". What else can be added to show why IJ girls lack motivation?

Nonetheless, I conclude that girls who join NCC aren't very feminine. Trust me there is an old saying that 10% of the Singapore girls are ugly and they are all in the army.

(For the record, Mr Ng have nothing against the army or the NCC or even the uniform groups in IJ. He is praying very hard that he will not be made the Teacher in charge of any of the uniform groups for the next year as he is still blissfully happy in Track and Field. Nonetheless he also awaits “snipers” with their 2 cents worth of comments.)

Matrix Reloaded..

My narcissism had gone a level up...

Anyway things to do for the next few days before I leave for Hong Kong ...

1) Set the SS Mid Year 2005 paper
2) Set the History Mid Year 2005 paper
3) Think of ways to "torture" my form class next year. "What is in thy way... let me count thee...."

Monday, November 22, 2004

Toilet Break (Extended Disco Remix)

it is nice to hear, to say the least, that my return to blogging had been met with mixed reactions. There is a bug flying in my blog and it is giving people the worms. Anyway what do you expect from a blog which craps and write so much about shit?

One of my degenerate friends just emailed this to me:"You need to stop sabotaging your own image by constantly revealing your "psychosis potential" and "your lack of embarrassment" on issues which don't even remotely related to you."Heh, in the first place, regarding the image issue, my retort is "What image"? And the worst thing about the comment is that I don't even understand half the lexicons used and mostly I just refused to be bothered. SIMPLY BOCHUPZ I suppose...

Another day wasted at work. Well not to take the goodness of the day away-Today was a good day, because I spent most of it in conversation. About lots of things, with colleagues. Well it was mostly sharing from the colleagues. One thing I love about my current job, unashamedly; the people I'm around like to talk as well. If you are one that can fill up an empty with your one and only banter, congratulations this is the career for you. All teachers like to talk, if they don't they will be busy spending half a day explaining to you why not. Today I had my work review with my HOD. For the uninitated, this is kinda of like the Meet-the-Parents Sessions, with role exchange. My HOD was asking me my plans for the next year seeing that I have grossly underhit my target I have set the previous year. Being prudent, I set an even lower target for myself hoping that things will be much better next year. I did expressed my concern for the Sec 4s next year which I will be inheriting and my concerns about my Masters which I have been neglecting ( You don't see me bitching about the research right? Don't worry, it is coming....)

This morning, at an unearthly hour in the morning I was in school carrying out my responsibilities as a Liasion officer. A teacher came up to me and complained about some unhappiness she had regarding the comments of some Sec 4 leaving certificates. Anyway to keep the long story short it seems that the other teacher accused her of giving her the wrong instructions and thus got her in trouble with our Principal. She was really fuming mad and I was having great difficulties trying to concentrate on her complaints about the teacher. Well i was the one who told the staff to come look for me when they have complaint as I am now officially in the Staff Welfare Committee which served the duties of a customer service counter in a departmental store otherwise. Anyway this teacher repeated her grouses to (let me count) 3 other teachers clearly showing the qualities of a teacher to reiterate the information from 1 class to another.

Anyway today it was random disjoint some enthusiastic ranting about the Sec4 grad nite, and gossips. Talk. Talking, chitter, rant, gripe, bitch. It's the shit I *live* for. At least for this period of time when there are no students to entertain me....

Friday, November 19, 2004

Let's talk shit!

"Life is too short for grief. Or regret. Or bullshit." -- Edward Abbey, Vox Clamantis in Deserto

I have decided to relaunch my blog with a whole lot of crap, coincidentally, literally. For the benefit of those less observant students/fanatic fans ( ie anti Slyvester anti beng people) it has been a long time since I have last bitched on the blog. Since then I have been quietly serving my dues in school as a security officer. I can't really divulge what my responsibilities are, for by doing so, I will have to kill you. Amidst all these shrouded in secrecy, I am extremely thankful for students for their lame comments and encouraging words to revive the blog again. For the appreciative students who flooded my tag board, send me words of encouragement through email and sms-es and friendster and yahoo messenger, I thank you all for your support. Much as things remain generally tentative, I am glad that things in school had been peaceful and plain-sailing to say the least.

We start the issue with shit, and more shit. Anyway for those who have never visit the toilet of the other gender, genderbenders like Olinda look-alike need not apply, there is a certain structural difference between the male and the female toilets. In case you are wondering why is it that I am so well versed in the toilets of the sexes, it is because IJ male toilet in the old school was converted from a female one. (So what were you people thinking? you sick people!) Guy toilet had a space domey looking thing called the urinal. Actually a row of them that is placed at a convenient height for you to aim. Guys do busineses, be it big or small in timing varing for a couple of seconds to a couple of minutes. Ladies do theirs in like quarters of hours to like hours. Well on top of that each lady had their little private pj or ps cubicles with doors. I also seriously think that Ladies rooms have couches, wall to wall make-up mirrors and probably a coffee bar in there too! But then again for the gals, they need to be in certain stages of undress whereas for guys we just do our thing uh hem. However I'd like to try and clear something up...the addition of urinals in men's restrooms means that we have twice the options.

Another peculiar phenomenon is the herd mentality you see in ladies or girls. I notice it as a teacher teaching in a premier girl school. It is as if there is a social gathering in the toilet, with foie gras and prawn sandwiches and cutesy cups of fine English tea. What I mean is that there seems to be a synchronized wee-wee pattern that one got to go, the rest automatically have to go. This is again seen a few days back when a good 5 ladies from a table near mine when we were having the gala dinner a few night back stand up almost in sync and of course marching together to the toilet. Could you imagine a guy saying to another guy at a table where some couples are eating together: "I'm going to the men's room, anyone want to come with me?" - Never happen, yet I've seen women do that constantly. It is as though they have other agenda other than clearing waste.

In fact just a bit of the statistics, a total of $4.8 million dollars will be flushed down the toilets so that they have better ventilation (no walls like the zoo loo?), designer tiles (what the heck are these?), and piped-in music (environmental sounds of waterfalls and monsoon rain in the forest?). Perhaps there will be subliminal messages of "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be sweet and wipe the seat!" in all four official languages and Hokkien. The aim? To quote the article, "With better toilets, the ministry hopes that people would think twice before dirtying them." Hmm, along the same lines that the HDB upgrading programme will encourage heartlanders not to throw flowerpots from ledges, leave junk in common corridors, or use lifts as public toilets?

In my opinion, the hall-of-fame quote belonged to Mr Wang Nan Chee (notice W 'n' C?), head of the Public Toilets Steering Committee (something to list at the top of a resume), 'People should be able to enjoy some time in public toilets, not have to rush in and rush out... I hope one day we will have wedding couples taking photographs in the toilet. Then, I will say, we have arrived.' (Where he's heading, I'm not going!)

Not rush into the loo when the tide is critically high? I think not. As for taking the time and doing tai-chi in the cubicle: has he seen the queues that form outside the Ladies' loos at cinema halls? It's like 'Flash Dance' all over again with high heels clicking, bodies jiggling, and faces sweating!

As for wedding photos in toilets, come on folks, contribute your comments... my mind is exploding like fireworks. Do you see couples and their photographers making a mass exodus from the Botanic Gardens or Alkaff Mansion and lining up outside the top 10 loos in Singapore? (And we all know what happens in long queues in Singapore, don't we?)

Now, Mr Looh, I want you to hold the hot tap... Mrs Looh, please hold the cold tap... twist a bit... the tap, lah! You can go dancing later! OK, hold it... Very good!
Mr Looh, please sit on the toilet... no, lah, no need to put paper first... not enough time! So many people waiting outside! Mrs Looh, you sit on your hubby's lap... press the lever together and smile? Beautiful.
Now Mr Looh, you go stand by the urinal... aiyah, up to you whether to unzip or not, lah! Mrs Looh you sit down and look up admiringly at your hubby...
Yes, sounds like fun. Anyone want to take up a new niche in wedding photography? It's called 'Flush Photography'.

Anyway to end off today article, I should share with all certain euphemism on the different stuff that can be done in the toilet. And of course Quickie is not one of them..

Have loads of crapping fun!

Freshen my Snapple
French whistle
Breaking the seal
Change water on the goldfish
Draining the dragon
Draining the main vein
Draining the radiator
Draining the one-eyed monster
Draining down the system
Go pee pee
Going to water my horse
Leak the lizard
Lower the water level
Number one
Pass water
Piddle (considered a coarse expression in some quarters)
Pit stop
Pointing Percy at the porcelain
Punish the porcelain
Release the pressure
Refresh the body
Relieve yourself
Seeing a man about a dog (or a horse)
Shaking hands with the vicar
Shaking the dew off the lily
Siphon the python
Steering Stanley to the stainless steel
Syphon the python
Taking a leak
Taking a pee
Taking a piss (considered a coarse expression in some quarters)
Taking a slash
Taking a whiz
Training Thomas on the terracotta
Visit Uncle Charley
Void my bladder
Going to walk my snake
Write my name in the water

Doing some spring cleaning
Back one out
Blasting a dookie
Cutting rope
Dropping anchor
Dropping the weights
Dropping a bomb
Dropping a deuce
Dropping a hoopsnake
Dropping bass ("base" as in the opposite of treble. Not the fish.)
Dropping some friends off at the pool
Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl
Dropping the kids off at school
Feeding the seagulls (politer version of "Feeding the shitehawks")
Filling the bowl
Giving birth
Launching torpedoes
Laying a cable
Laying a turd
Lose some weight (Also used in urination)
Making logs (or a log)
Making waves
Number two
Pebble-dashing the porcelain
Pinching off a loaf
Pinching a
Taking a
Taking a crap
Taking a dump
Taking a shit (a coarse expression, not a euphemism)
Unloading a batch of cigars

Flatulence / Farting
Anal thunder
Blow a big one
Blow off
Botty burp
Break wind
Bull snort
Bust ass
Choke a donkey
Cut the cheese
Drop one's guts (as in "Who dropped their guts?")
Erupting the anal
Grunt (as in "Who grunted?")
Launching a growler
Let off a howler
Let off a stinker
Let 'er rip
Man Queef (Extremely vulgar)
Number four
Pass gas
Pass wind
Dirty bomb
Trouser cough

Blowing chunks

Date Porcelain Patty
Driving the porcelain bus
Feed the fish (when seasick)
Food Escape!
Make like Mount St. Helens
Number three
Paint the sidewalk
Revisit dinner
Park the tiger
Snow bank pizza
Spraying McDonalds (as in "Did somebody spray
Calling Huey (or
Ralph) on the big white phone
Talking to the porcelain telephone
Talking to the weeds
Technicolour yawn
Throwing up
Jason Pollock
Make a hideous jiffy bag

Thursday, November 11, 2004