Monday, December 27, 2004

The Killer Wave
(A poem written in memory of the innocent who lost their loved ones)


Before you actually read the poem,
PLEASE NOTE All of the poem need to be taken with a healthy dose of scepticism. I cannot accept any reponsibility or liability for any harm, upset or other consequential damage caused by gullible people.
  • This is, first and foremost, a humourous blog. This may sound rather obvious but you would not believe the number of people I get sending me very abusive emails because I got my facts "wrong". The reports, etc, contained on this site are not to be taken seriously in any way shape or form. Some of them are wildly inaccurate, skewed, exaggerated, call it what you will. Please don't email me to point that out. I already know this stuff but I have deliberately gotten it all wrong for comic effect, OK?

  • Due to the nature of the reports being submitted to this site, I have no way to guarantee that all, some or any of them contain accurate information.

  • without further ado....

    Have you read the news today

    or heard the radio about the killer wave?

    As many as 12 thousand die

    and it happen on the globe by the eastern side

    Countries like Sir Lanka, got their share

    Indonesia, Thailand were not spared

    And the next we know is up North

    Where Penang of Malaysia also got

    How it happens, is a daze

    It was then peaceful on a bright Sunday

    then something strange by the sea,

    came a wave, height about 3 storeys

    People were buried, drowned in water,

    some got choked and others got a shower

    Families were lost, tears were shed

    Beachside holidays became sad

    It is corny explaining as I tried

    When plates collide, people die.

    I don't know why this natural catastrophe,

    It could be God's anger in the making

    My mom had a quirk explanation for all this

    why Singapore was still in one piece

    Remember we have shows for Charity

    We are all too nice and God let us stay alive

    Trust me , reading all this will help u in your literature :P

    Sunday, December 26, 2004

    Merry Christmas to All!!

    This has been a great year and I realise that I have not been blogging for ages. Went out to a ex-student house for a Christmas celebration on the 24th and of course been the filial son that I am, brought my parents to Orchard Road last night for a spin to look at the beautiful but less than spectacular lights along the busiest street in Singapore. The roads seem so empty, must be from the hangover of the Christmas Eve celebrations. But then again , the people pushing people scenario along the long stretch of Orchard Road was indeed crowded. Punks, young and old, filipinos with a night off and male Bangdaleshis holding hands in a la Viva Gay Vegas. But then again what is it about the whole Christmas without an old scrooge like me to poke fun at everything that I have seen and read?

    Anyway I had been pretty disturbed/horrified/surprised/ pissed by a lot of things that were happening in Singapore and around the world for the past few weeks. As a Christmas present, I would now unload my 2 cents worth of comments. Are you ready??

    China rewards diligent teachers with a present - a brand new car
    I beleive that Singapore MOE feel that rewarding teachers with a 2 and a half months worth of bonuses is enough to get the teacher to slog like dogs ( damn it really rhymes!!) Anyway I can see that at least the Guangzhou province, if I am not mistaken, clearly show their respect for the hard work of the teachers. Not that i have anything to complain about but sometimes I really wondered, we teachers slogged like mad and then we have to rush for the holidays with the rest of the other schooling kids, and worst pay peak prices for airport, airport taxes and of course hotel accomodation. And thanks alot MOE if you really factor in these inflation in prices, the bonus you gave us is really not a bonus at all. But then again, I must really thank them for providing such a long holidays for us teachers, wait a minute, the holiday is going to come to an end soon...

    Teacher couple die in New Zealand honeymoon when their car crashed
    It really hurt to see another of our comrades-in-arms die for such a unworthy cause. Please do not be misunderstood, I am not trying to poke fun at this, but I see this as a loss to the teacher profession, two amiable teachers, all well respected by peers and students and as they embarked on their new lives together, Wham!! an accident happen and took their lives away. I know that what I am about to discuss may not be related or even remotely related to this, but for the most observant of people, I am now a proud owner of a car. Well actually for around 2 month plus liao. With my amulet placed on the windscreen and of course the back of the car, I am immedicately tagged with the "novice driver" Not that I have anything to complain about that, it allows me to make the most elementary of driving mistakes while still protesting my innocence that I am not familiar with the roads and rules, you know the "I-am-a-new-driver-only-please-be-lenient-with-me" :P. However what this show me what how precocious life is and sometimes when I am on the road, I really prayed that I will bring myself and my passengers alive to their destination. You may think it is silly, but in a small country like Singapore, there are some really f***ing drivers who think their grandfather own the road; they weave around the lanes like some maverick high on prozac. But then again I reckon, the whole bloody road safety required all to be safe before accidents can be prevented, therefore the only thing is to wish for Santa to take the car away from naughty drivers. HO HO HO!!

    Mr Ng Will be teaching Sec 3s next year!!
    I am not sure whether it will be good news or bad news, but due to an unforeseen change in the timetable, but I will be teaching some Sec 3 classes next year. Anyway I always enjoy teaching Sec 3 because 1) there is no pressure as they are not the graduating classes 2) I can try any new teaching methods with them and there will be no pressure as they are not the graduating classes 3) I will be getting Teachers' Day Presents :P as they are not the graduating classes.
    But because of me taking up some Sec 3 classes, I will have to give up some sec 4 classes. Well we will know whether school reopen who are the lucky ones who got away from my clutches!!

    Have a happy holiday and start doing you homework.. time is ticking.... :)

    Sunday, December 12, 2004

    A long long night

    They are showing the Star Awards on Channel 8 and Big MommaHouse on Channel 5. To show my displeasure to Media corp, I should avoid the TV programmes for today.

    Was out since 10pm last night and didn't sleep the whole night, meet up with some friends at Simpang Bedok, had a couple of pratas, and loads of tea tarik, I can feel the teh in my tummy, and I am feeling a little "zombie"ish. We talked throughout the night, and before we know it, it was 8 in the morning. In fact we were a bit dead around fiveish and started giggling and laughing at Simpang. The best part was that we started talking in gibberish and we suddenly became hard of hearing. Must be the sleep deprivation. And to show how bad we were, we started coining new words like

    "I am really saber" ( a combination of stable and sober)
    "You think my car can squeeze into that entry? You must be joking.. I am not a murtabak"
    "You want a teh tarik and errrrrrrrlo" (Milo in non sober pronunciation)

    Anyway I just woke up.. If all hese doesn't make sense to you, don't worry, I am still suffering from a hangover

    Wednesday, December 08, 2004

    Where do we go from here...

    Ripped this from damn funny...

    Which American reality TV franchise should MediaCorp adapt next? What will they look like?

    Contestants are sent to the new casino on the island of Sentosa, where they struggle with their temptation to blow their life savings

    Contestants compete to work for Singapore’s top char kway teow hawker whose catchphrase is: “You’re FRIED!”

    Singaporeans must overcome their fear of being sued for defamation or getting the air-con treatment somewhere around Whitley Road.

    They’re really beautiful! Oops! Sorry, we mean they’re fakely beautiful. But they have a lot of self-esteem issues, so be nice and don’t “swan” them, leh!

    This week’s exciting episode: the Ministry of Environment conducts a spot check.

    This week, the contestants include the poor buggers who invested in Global Crossing, the sad sacks who kena suckered into paying $2b for two berths in Hong Kong's port, the pathetic people who took a stake in CAO, and the taxpayers.

    A group of SAF infantry sergeants give a chao ah quah a macho makeover, so that his family and friends won’t shun him any longer.

    They’re single. They’re over 40. They make less than $2,500 a month. Got hope not? Maybe only fat ones. Sponsored by the SDU.

    This local adaptation of America’s ‘Nanny 911’ series features maids calling the police to report their employers for doing stuff like pouring boiling water on them or biting off their nipples.

    The daughters of two tua kee towkays are sent to stay in a (gasp!) HDB flat and (shock! horror!) study in NUS!

    Another Singaporean leaves the island – and resettles in Perth where he’s surviving very nicely, thank you for asking.

    In this week’s episode, contestants compete to be the next Nominated Member of Parliament.
    Engrish Laesens for the Bengs - Reesons Y The Engrish Language Is So Bloodly Hard Too Learn

    With sentences like these, I guess there should be a syllabus B for Engrish for the Bengs and Lians and Slyvester...

    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

    2) The farm was used to produce produce.

    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    10) I did not object to the object.

    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

    13) They were too close to the door to close it.

    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

    19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

    20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    Trivial from Friends
    Joey: Won't it be cool if our chick and duck have a baby, we can call it Chuck.
    Chandler: Or Dick...

    Ah... the beauty of Engrish...

    Tuesday, December 07, 2004

    Refractions of the Mind - Being the Ego One

    I am into reflections today. Cool word "Reflection", Thanks Ming for reminding me this. I thought what I have had been literary vomit. Well then I realise from the hit rate that my blog is getting since its infancy, I notice that there are quite of you slurping all these like the shark fin soup in a chinese banquet. The shocking thing of course is that now I am a vegetarian. And not many people know about that. Well it seems that VEGETARIAN is not equal to being MEAN, and I seems to be the direct contradiction of that.

    I have not been staring into the mirror for the past few days. A bit uncharacteristically non narcassistic. Letting my hair grow to something like a la Sly but with the curls. It look really like the camoflauges of leaves and grass that we use on our helmets in our days in army. But then again, why should I? To dress up are only for those days when you meet a potential client, business partner, soul mate, screaming parent, superior etc. As for now I am in the mood for the Singapore Idle.

    Not that I have a lot of time to do so, it is my seasonal grouses again, the Master assignments which are due in February, and of all topics, I have chosen to write something on Teacher Stress. Shouldn't be THATTTT difficult since I have been running my mouth all this while in my blog about how stressed teachers are. But what I didn't forseen was the amount of literature that I have to read in order to write the thingy. And as for stress, just to educate those who have read till this point without feeling stress, stress was referred to as the "spice of life" and there are in fact 4 types of stress : hyperstress ( where there is too much spice and you just feel like frequenting the toilet there and then and there again), distress ( spices that are overdue or the typical practical joke thingy of put salt into your coffee, the effect is ... well you know), hypostress ( where the food is just bland and tasteless and spices cost just too much) and finally eustress ( not to be mistaken as a woman body part but this mean good and positive stress... and by the way, there are good stress).

    Talking about stress, none can be more stressed than the two idols at the very day when the results were been revealed. In front of 3 milllion audience, "live" and dead (pun unintended), both of them were trying to keep cool and I guess these was what was going through their mind that very moments...

    ( A fictitous renactment)
    Sly: "die lah, if I don't win, then must act like nothing like that, must hug Ah Tau and then remember to smile at fans... Chances I don't win lah, "It's my lyfe" sing berry badly, but really be brushing up on my engrish... *&^%$(#!^%" (hokkien expletive... what do you expected, Ah beng using refined english words like S*** and F***)

    Taufik: "Alamak, what to do when I win, who to thank? Mrs Jones? But show surprise, don't be too obvious, if not, they won't believe, yo know Singaporeans, always like to believe in conspiracy theories... Like Singapore Idol also must be like the Singapore Presidency, must rotate among the 4 major races. Guess it shoud be the indigenous race of Singapore to win it... Sayang!!"

    Gurmit: "And Singapore Idol is ..... Taufik"

    ("Screams" and "Applause" signs in Singapore indoor stadium light up, directed at the Sly fans)

    Taufik ( eyes wide open!, mouth wide open)
    Sly hugged Taufik (face away from cameras) "Damn!! Please don't film my face...."

    I know all these are already old stories, but just couldn't resist to poke a little wee bit of fun into it. And the best part is that there will be a repeat telecast this coming saturday. If you don't believe what I had said, just watch the rerun and see if the dialogue above fit what you see on the screen.

    I can't believe it when I read the paper this morning which show the number of the votes won by the Idols. Now to keep the long story short, it seems that the Sly fans ( no pun intended) believe that there was a conspiracy ( as usual, singaporeans being the disbelieving lot and their conspiracy theories) to DETHRONE the bengster, and that is why they did not reveal the number of votes won. Yes we have been robbed, claimed the Sly fans. Anyway to keep the Bengs and Lians appeased, the results revealed that (and I was shocked. I really can't believe it), Sly actually had about 38% of the votes, that was like 10 times more than I expected! Not that I am a huge fan of Taufik but come on!! 38% about 1.1 milllion votes! You are telling me that there are so many people who favoured the under DOG to win!! Are you serious that he can be a representation of Singapore for the World Idol. Sigh... not as if Taufik was any better, but then face between the devil and the deep blue sea..... Sigh. Let's face it, if Sly can sing ( just to lap on something from the Chinese Chef Yan) So can you! It is now the invasion of the bathroom singers to come to the podium/stage. So what next?

    Renactment of Singapore Idol 2
    Yes it is me the host for SI 2 , Gurmit Singh and let me introduce the contestants....
    1) Legolas Ng Tau Mo
    2) Karaoke Goh Sing Song
    3) Shrek Chin Ah Lee
    4) Nemo Loh Han Hee
    5) Armani Chin Ah Kwee

    Who will be your Singapore Idol? Let introduce conestant no. 1 Legolas to sing the song " Ai pia jia eh ya" A hokkien favourite!

    Talk about cutting edge Ah Bengs and Ah Lians for Singapore Idol or should I say Singapore Bengster... If the inevitable happen, just give me the remote to turn that off..

    Sunday, December 05, 2004

    Sharity Charity

    A big hello to all my readers. As you know, I have not been writing much lately.No, I am not shutting down my blog again. Just down with flu for the past couple of days. Great to be back in Singapore after a gruelling trip in Hong Kong.

    Anyway the few days in Hong Kong made me more tired than ever. Usually people don't associate holidays with gruelling, but then again, early 8 plus morning calls and late nights till 1 or 2 am. (d0n't these Hong Kongers sleep?, Their shops closed at around 1230am and they will be greeting you in the early hours of the morning with their megawatts smiles) I guess it was the fatigue that made me vulnerable to the flu virus.

    Glad some of you managed to watch the show Angela Ashes on channel I. I had to agree that it was not as impactful as it was since the last time I had seen it. Nonetheless the whole movie did go into sensitive themes which I was unable to openly show to all of you behind closed doors (read: air conditioned classroom with a DVD player, ie the career room or humanities room) But with you watching it on TV, I am ABSOLVED of all responsibilites of teaching you the "wrong" values so as you may have misintepreted. That is the powe rof the media and of course the power of pushing the blame...

    Anyway, in one of my decadent moments of watching TV, (I usually feel that watching Tv is a complete waste of time, second to reading blogs :P, it burned brain cells and killed creativity according to REUTERS) , I notice that there is going to be yet another Charity show up again which I never bothered to remeber its name. This is like the zillionth one this year. How many are there going to be?Is it a trend now to have a freakin' charity show every few months? It is a bloody waste of the non-handicapped time.

    For the non initiated, this is how a charity show works.
    First, they announce the prizes you will stand to win. Never mind the fact that the money spent on the prize could very well be used to help the needy in the first place.
    Secondly, spend weeks telling anyone unfortunate enough to be watching TV at that time how hard the has been actors/overseas stars/ Mediacorp Artists/handicapped has been working and preparing for months just for the needy. And all the charity shows are the same. A bunch of celebrities (most who you hardly know) to do all sorts of stunts. How innovative. MediaCorp must have earned more from those advertisements than all the donations.
    Thirdly, the real deal. That charity show is finally on air. The artists perform their little trivial and crappy exciting stunts. A Cirque De Soliel extravaganza. Hosts tell audience at home that these stunts are not be practised with supervision at home. This is the part where the actors pretend to be in a lot of pain, and suffering. Amazingly, hosts will shed tears and urged viewers to call in. Boohoohoo. Fools who actually believe them will then call the hotline.

    In case for those who think that I am an unsympathetic B#$%^&* who shouldn't be even writing this. Let me get some points straight. Firstly I am always and and still one of the those FOOLS who donate but I just cannot comprehend the need to have all these over and over again. Singaporeans are growing increasingly immune to all these charity shows. You need money for your organisations, do a charity show, you need to build a new hospital? do a charity show? No money for your overseas studies, do a charity show? I see these whole things of telecasting these people and exaggerating their plights COMMERCIAL exploitation. I surely won't want to have that form of help with me in front of a TV audience sobbing etc. For the sympathetic, you may say that all these are publicity, and I had to agree that Advertisements do have the desirable effects of getting the donations in. I just wonder if TV had become a device to get the cash registers (opps, donations) in?

    Another issue that I have a big grudge on is there really a need to have a cap to the amount donated. Say you are on the street, a little girl with a tin came by with a tin and ask you to donate, you took out a one dollar coin and as you were about to put it into the tin, she placed her little hand over the slot and shook her head, "sorry sir, too little, I only accepted $2, $5 and $10 donations and above" What type of crap is that? Nowadays all these donation come in denominations of $2 $5 and even for some cases $88! Where have the old spirit of giving gone to? When was the time when you give a dollar or even 50cents and you don't feel that cheapskate.

    Secondly, I sometimes wondered, while the average Singaporean give and give, what are our leaders doing? These are the people who earn like five digit income from the taxes the people pay? Do they give a cent? Maybe they are just some nameless philantropists but I seriously doubt that the government did placed any form of donation on their own personal terms. Let's face it, they are just living to the government stance of self reliance and non-welfarism in Singapore. They are not heartless, they do grace the occasions at times and encourage other average Singaporeans like you and me to give.

    And the best part about the donations are those operating companies managing the hotlines. These telephones network providers insisted that they are only using that extra 20 cents or 50 cents per call to cover their administrative charges. But then again, if they are seriously about getting people to donate and to show the spirit of giving, why do they even need to have that? At the end of the month, they (read:the losers and fools who donated) will then suddenly realise that the telephone network provider has stolen/deducted a lump sum of your donations.

    Have you regreted calling the hotline now, don't you?

    (in conjunction to coming festive season, Mr Ng encourages all his readers to give generously to charity to help the less privileged, he has nothing against charity or even charity show per se and even the prizes awarded, but if you happened to win something from your donation and is in a giving mood, Mr Ng would gladly be the recipient of the goodwill...:))

    Friday, December 03, 2004

    Just a short entry..
    Channel I is showing the movie "Angela's Ashes" tonight at 10pm. For those who had forgotten what show it is, this was the movie I show all of you during SS classes.
    Remember to catch it on I