Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Q(ueer) and A(nnoying)

I am dedicating this post to a courageous student who wrote to me in response "Save the Earth" blog on 12:51 May 16 issue:

At 09:56 PM 18/5/04 , "DumbAss" (for the safety of the girl, I shall keep her name anomymous) wrote:
"Psychologically insecure" and "racial hatred". How could you ever come up with such wonderful phrases. I love them. Where in the world do you get your ideas from? Pls tell me how I can inherit this super duper writing technique from you.

Profound question. I have a "profound" answer.
I do not know.

Let me draw a parallel.



OK, OK, that was a bad one. What comes next is worse. Go have a heavy meal first then come back and read it.

You don't follow instructions very well, do you? Anyway, my ideas are generated like a sneeze or excess gas. Both come naturally and are due to some input (what exactly that input is, you never really know). Both are difficult to hold back, but once released bring great relief. Some might even argue that they prolong life.

They must be released with venom. I am not talking about those half-hearted, girly little sneezes. I am talking about a rip-roaring sneeze that would 1) make the big, bad wolf proud and 2) water the garden at the same time. The burp or fart (chemical name: carbon dibackside) should be one that reverberates through a building, shaking its foundations and melting plastic as it moves down a concentration gradient.

I think I explained how I come up with my phrases and ideas AS ABOVE. ;P But here's a secret recipe for budding bakers. It's so secret even I didn't know until I cooked it up just now...

Ingredients for "Cooky" Cookie:
1. One cup Dementia (preferably fermented).
2. One teaspoon of Essence of Insanity. Can replace with Essence of Chicken, Sweat of Pig, or Saliva of Cow if not available.
3. Lots of "dough". (five cent coins stacked up in pairs.)
4. 2 tablespoon of crap ( not those found in the toilet)
5. Green Eggs and Ham (but leave out the ham otherwise, Dr Suess may ensue with some suing...)

Dump ingredients in large bowl (toilet bowl, green colour preferred) and mix well with toilet brush. Flush occasionally to add water. (Artificial colouring may be added in the water tank if desired.) Add any type of "chocolate" or "maple syrup" to taste. Wrap tightly in straight jacket and pop into laughing gas oven for one month (this refers to you, not the cookie dough which by now is worse than a barrel full of dioxin). Emerge laughing from oven and write down the first thing that comes to mind.

As you can see, I do reply fan mail, hate mail. I may even offer an autograph photograph for aspiring writers hoping to be a good writer. So flood my email if there are any burning questions you need help. :P

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