The One about one disappointment after another

Up to my eyeballs with things happening this week, it is hardly surprising that I am finding no time to blog.

this week had been an eventful week for me, especially with regards to my sec 5n form class. The O levels are just 3 months away, the prelims are just about less than 1 month away and this should be the period of time where generally every going-to-graduate student were to stay out of trouble and focused on the most important thing in their lives- the o levels. However apparently they felt that their form teacher, yours truly, apparently need some spices in his life, and there I was, trying to diffuse a fighting case that happened just outside the school. Swear to confidentiality, i should not reveal too much of what exactly happen, but the kid was suspended from school for 2 days, and his future hang on a threat with the crime of rioting.

I cannot tell all of you how sick and tired I am as a result of all these nonsense that had happened in the school since I haved joined. Many blogger colleagues bitched about irresponsible, incompetent, showoff colleagues who did nothing to help their kids, but merely trying to impress the management about the wonderful things that they were doing amidst the "actual" taching stuff that they should be doing. At least they had kids who do sit in class and try in any semblance to pay attention. As for me, it felt really disappointing that for what I have done, things had not gone really smooth for me especially the very thing that I should be excited and enthusiastic about - my students.

With many of my kakis colleagues leaving, I am going to really a forlorn figure in the staffroom come 2008.

So i am not enjoying my stint in management, I am disappointed with my classes, I have lost passion in teaching and I am losing my social support among my colleagues. I think I badly need a break to reevaluate my priorities.

The One about making a mark

Several conversations with my coffee drinking kakis in school surfaced this question - what am I good at?
Of course I will refrain from that self condescending phrase that i am a good for nothing but I would rather look at the deeper meaning behind this.

What am I good at? In school this is always a perennial question that we ask of ourself and sometimes unfairly imposed on some people. When we had an issue/problem ( read S*** ) which we need a fast remedy, there will always be a person that will come to mind. when we need a snazzy powerpoint lesson, when we need someone to host a certain event, when we need someone who got plenty of resources for music/food, when we need someone to plan a major event, inevitably names do pop up. It is the stereotype, but it is also the reputation that one had gained; it is the thing that one is good at.

I was told in a very un-"subtle" way that I am a "good for nothing"- of course I dont mean an imbecile, but rather someone who have not really find a niche for myself. I have yet to make a "mark" on things that the upper management wanted me to, but I seems to be making "dents" everywhere. Light ones, things that obviously showed my work but yet not big enough to creat any obvious visual impact.

I may not be able to make a dent or mark so as to speak in the areas that I am supposed to. Maybe I am just a jack of all trade but master in none. I find it sad that for all the little dents, they were looking for marked improvement. The swashbuckling confidence had diminished and I realise I can never see myself as the person who came in this school as a leader. I have degenerated into a follower who have lost my direction. I can never put myself as the guru in my subject matter ( ironically) or even in National education a portfolio which I am given. The little dents made hardly create a ripple. And sometimes big marks will require not just perservance but also the preparedness of the tsunami that come along.

What am I really good at? Maybe you people would know. Maybe you people can tell me...

The One about being treated seriously

recently it has been very very difficult to get people to treat me seriously.

I am not sure if this comment is made in a good or bad sense. It is nice to know that I have this penchant to make people laugh by giving my 2 cents worth of comments in almost every thing that is happening in school. I am those people who people would refer to as "benjamin" in Animal farm - the cynical donkey, but with a dash of humour and sarcasm which never failed to crack people up.

But then again, I wondered if this is something that people failed to treat me seriously as a KP as it is very very important that I have the credibility (with the capital "C") so that people would take my comments seriously and act on it, and not think that I was merely joking. Sometimes been too affable and too funny make it even more difficult for me to carry out my "ruthless" implementation of policies as I am just sometimes, plainly speaking, too nice at times. As a leader it is important that i show that I am the boss and most importantly I mean what I say, and my crazy nature just failed to put this across at times.

MAybe I should just try to start anew in a new place where I can really be treated seriously. Seriously.

About Potatoes and Burdens

Listening to the broadcast on the school PA system, there was a story which caught my attention. It was about the story of a teacher, who asked his student to bring a sack of potatoes and a empty bag to school. He told the students to think of a person who they bear a grudge or had hurt them or someone they can't forgive and based on the amount the hatred and put a comparable size of a potato in the empty sack. After the students were given time to think and do the activity, many students had bags full of potatoes. The teacher asked the students tocarry the bag otatoes with them everywhere they go, even to the loo or the bathroom. It was a heavy burden, and most important it was hurting and tirign to carry it around, not the say the embarassment of carrying it around even on the bus or to class. At the end of it, as the days goes by, the bag started to smell as the potatoes turn soddy and smelly. The students were in fact glad that at the end of the week. This story had a direct relation to what we are and how we behave. Many a time, we are unable to let go and allowed our hatred to be a burden to us, which we carried from place to place. We thought that forgiveness was something good for the other parties, however, this example show that forgiveness is actually for one.

I felt so strongly about the story because recently I was consumed by anger and my words were peppered with sarcasm. My inapporpriate comments and jokes became my defence mechanism to re-direct any negativity aimed at me. I felt that someone up there ( and that I dont mean the upper management) intended me to hear this story and let me let go of that hatred that is affecting and consuming me. I am glad that it happened today but then again the incident that happens to me let me reevaluate my priorities and my future direction. At least I know what I would be doing in the short term.

Treat each difficulty like a tennis ball coming to your side of the court, just keep hitting them back. :)