Friday, November 19, 2004

Let's talk shit!

"Life is too short for grief. Or regret. Or bullshit." -- Edward Abbey, Vox Clamantis in Deserto

I have decided to relaunch my blog with a whole lot of crap, coincidentally, literally. For the benefit of those less observant students/fanatic fans ( ie anti Slyvester anti beng people) it has been a long time since I have last bitched on the blog. Since then I have been quietly serving my dues in school as a security officer. I can't really divulge what my responsibilities are, for by doing so, I will have to kill you. Amidst all these shrouded in secrecy, I am extremely thankful for students for their lame comments and encouraging words to revive the blog again. For the appreciative students who flooded my tag board, send me words of encouragement through email and sms-es and friendster and yahoo messenger, I thank you all for your support. Much as things remain generally tentative, I am glad that things in school had been peaceful and plain-sailing to say the least.

We start the issue with shit, and more shit. Anyway for those who have never visit the toilet of the other gender, genderbenders like Olinda look-alike need not apply, there is a certain structural difference between the male and the female toilets. In case you are wondering why is it that I am so well versed in the toilets of the sexes, it is because IJ male toilet in the old school was converted from a female one. (So what were you people thinking? you sick people!) Guy toilet had a space domey looking thing called the urinal. Actually a row of them that is placed at a convenient height for you to aim. Guys do busineses, be it big or small in timing varing for a couple of seconds to a couple of minutes. Ladies do theirs in like quarters of hours to like hours. Well on top of that each lady had their little private pj or ps cubicles with doors. I also seriously think that Ladies rooms have couches, wall to wall make-up mirrors and probably a coffee bar in there too! But then again for the gals, they need to be in certain stages of undress whereas for guys we just do our thing uh hem. However I'd like to try and clear something up...the addition of urinals in men's restrooms means that we have twice the options.

Another peculiar phenomenon is the herd mentality you see in ladies or girls. I notice it as a teacher teaching in a premier girl school. It is as if there is a social gathering in the toilet, with foie gras and prawn sandwiches and cutesy cups of fine English tea. What I mean is that there seems to be a synchronized wee-wee pattern that one got to go, the rest automatically have to go. This is again seen a few days back when a good 5 ladies from a table near mine when we were having the gala dinner a few night back stand up almost in sync and of course marching together to the toilet. Could you imagine a guy saying to another guy at a table where some couples are eating together: "I'm going to the men's room, anyone want to come with me?" - Never happen, yet I've seen women do that constantly. It is as though they have other agenda other than clearing waste.

In fact just a bit of the statistics, a total of $4.8 million dollars will be flushed down the toilets so that they have better ventilation (no walls like the zoo loo?), designer tiles (what the heck are these?), and piped-in music (environmental sounds of waterfalls and monsoon rain in the forest?). Perhaps there will be subliminal messages of "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be sweet and wipe the seat!" in all four official languages and Hokkien. The aim? To quote the article, "With better toilets, the ministry hopes that people would think twice before dirtying them." Hmm, along the same lines that the HDB upgrading programme will encourage heartlanders not to throw flowerpots from ledges, leave junk in common corridors, or use lifts as public toilets?

In my opinion, the hall-of-fame quote belonged to Mr Wang Nan Chee (notice W 'n' C?), head of the Public Toilets Steering Committee (something to list at the top of a resume), 'People should be able to enjoy some time in public toilets, not have to rush in and rush out... I hope one day we will have wedding couples taking photographs in the toilet. Then, I will say, we have arrived.' (Where he's heading, I'm not going!)

Not rush into the loo when the tide is critically high? I think not. As for taking the time and doing tai-chi in the cubicle: has he seen the queues that form outside the Ladies' loos at cinema halls? It's like 'Flash Dance' all over again with high heels clicking, bodies jiggling, and faces sweating!

As for wedding photos in toilets, come on folks, contribute your comments... my mind is exploding like fireworks. Do you see couples and their photographers making a mass exodus from the Botanic Gardens or Alkaff Mansion and lining up outside the top 10 loos in Singapore? (And we all know what happens in long queues in Singapore, don't we?)

Now, Mr Looh, I want you to hold the hot tap... Mrs Looh, please hold the cold tap... twist a bit... the tap, lah! You can go dancing later! OK, hold it... Very good!
Mr Looh, please sit on the toilet... no, lah, no need to put paper first... not enough time! So many people waiting outside! Mrs Looh, you sit on your hubby's lap... press the lever together and smile? Beautiful.
Now Mr Looh, you go stand by the urinal... aiyah, up to you whether to unzip or not, lah! Mrs Looh you sit down and look up admiringly at your hubby...
Yes, sounds like fun. Anyone want to take up a new niche in wedding photography? It's called 'Flush Photography'.

Anyway to end off today article, I should share with all certain euphemism on the different stuff that can be done in the toilet. And of course Quickie is not one of them..

Have loads of crapping fun!

Freshen my Snapple
French whistle
Breaking the seal
Change water on the goldfish
Draining the dragon
Draining the main vein
Draining the radiator
Draining the one-eyed monster
Draining down the system
Go pee pee
Going to water my horse
Leak the lizard
Lower the water level
Number one
Pass water
Piddle (considered a coarse expression in some quarters)
Pit stop
Pointing Percy at the porcelain
Punish the porcelain
Release the pressure
Refresh the body
Relieve yourself
Seeing a man about a dog (or a horse)
Shaking hands with the vicar
Shaking the dew off the lily
Siphon the python
Steering Stanley to the stainless steel
Syphon the python
Taking a leak
Taking a pee
Taking a piss (considered a coarse expression in some quarters)
Taking a slash
Taking a whiz
Training Thomas on the terracotta
Visit Uncle Charley
Void my bladder
Going to walk my snake
Write my name in the water

Doing some spring cleaning
Back one out
Blasting a dookie
Cutting rope
Dropping anchor
Dropping the weights
Dropping a bomb
Dropping a deuce
Dropping a hoopsnake
Dropping bass ("base" as in the opposite of treble. Not the fish.)
Dropping some friends off at the pool
Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl
Dropping the kids off at school
Feeding the seagulls (politer version of "Feeding the shitehawks")
Filling the bowl
Giving birth
Launching torpedoes
Laying a cable
Laying a turd
Lose some weight (Also used in urination)
Making logs (or a log)
Making waves
Number two
Pebble-dashing the porcelain
Pinching off a loaf
Pinching a
Taking a
Taking a crap
Taking a dump
Taking a shit (a coarse expression, not a euphemism)
Unloading a batch of cigars

Flatulence / Farting
Anal thunder
Blow a big one
Blow off
Botty burp
Break wind
Bull snort
Bust ass
Choke a donkey
Cut the cheese
Drop one's guts (as in "Who dropped their guts?")
Erupting the anal
Grunt (as in "Who grunted?")
Launching a growler
Let off a howler
Let off a stinker
Let 'er rip
Man Queef (Extremely vulgar)
Number four
Pass gas
Pass wind
Dirty bomb
Trouser cough

Blowing chunks

Date Porcelain Patty
Driving the porcelain bus
Feed the fish (when seasick)
Food Escape!
Make like Mount St. Helens
Number three
Paint the sidewalk
Revisit dinner
Park the tiger
Snow bank pizza
Spraying McDonalds (as in "Did somebody spray
Calling Huey (or
Ralph) on the big white phone
Talking to the porcelain telephone
Talking to the weeds
Technicolour yawn
Throwing up
Jason Pollock
Make a hideous jiffy bag

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