A FEW GOOD WOMEN

IJ is planning to set up a new uniformed group known as the NCC. Whether it is land sea or air, it doesn’t really matter. I have seen enough from the little I saw from the other uniformed contingents; well it somehow already confirmed my suspicions; IJ girls are better dancing and singing and prancing around a la Singapore Idol. Nothing too disciplined or else they will melt like icky ice cream in the sun.

Meanwhile, as I was entertained and enlightened by Dilbert's many profound observations on life, the universe and everything, I can already envisaged many stomping IJ girls especially those in the uniformed groups all after my blood. Damn I may not get a greeting in unison from the ever sweet Girl Guides who are always trying to tie and untie poles to bricks. I am perplexed than ever about why young schoolchildren would want to spend a day or two each week, and more during the holidays, being tortured. Maybe it's all the masochists who join NCC, so they can perversely rejoice in their suffering, “Yes Madam!” “No Madam!”. Or maybe they're just channeling their innate and hormonal urges to play at being soldiers. In fact don’t get me wrong, I feel that your spirit is admirable, marching through the long hours in the sun, shouting kiri, kanan, and berhenti. I just realize that as the years go by, the qualities of the girls in terms of taking all these suffering seems to go down a little by little, very much like an exponential curve.

In an unmistakable Saturday morning, I was observing a small group of “pseudo soldiers” practicing drills. It sure bring back fond memories. However what really caught my attention was when the commander gave one command, the contingent took about 5 seconds ( yes 5, I did count with my hand holding the touhuai) to respond, and then to my horror, a couple of them turned in the wrong direction. Good gracious me! I am shocked at the lack of direction sense of the girls! Imagine this! A soldier to go to war and to bomb the neemy base at the LEFT of the map and this idiot actually move to the RIGHT thinking it is the LEFT!! I shuddered at the thought of leaving the defence of the country to this fellow, and I have the same response to the one girl who made a left turn instead of a right. YES it was DAMN obvious and DAMN embarrassing!!!

Anyway based on my experience with the REAL NCC training (READ: 2 and a half years in the ARMY), I am more perplexed than ever, why would anybody joined the NCC? In some ways, NCC is even more regimental than the SAF. When the cadets sit on the floor, they adopt a posture reminiscent of the lotus position, sitting cross-legged with straight backs and stretching both arms out to rest on their knees. They then have to ask their ICs permission to relax and adjust themselves or to drink water. Why the ICs don't give this permission every now and then as a matter of course, or just ask the superiors for carte blanche permission for the cadets to rest, is beyond me. Hell, even their eating is regimental! The ICs are also very fierce, even though they are the same rank as their men. Maybe it's all the vying for recognition so they can get promoted faster, or get the title of Best Trainee. Anyhow, everything can probably be summed up in one word: "discipline" (read: stupidity). Of course, they have their home, their parents, their siblings, a soft, fluffy bed and lots of soft toys waiting for them at the end of the day, and if worse comes to worst, they can always quit.

Anyway to help the school to recruit more gungho (Read again: stupid) Secondary Ones, I have decided to use some of the army recruitment posters. I tried to think of spoofs of each, but I didn't succeed. Results of my brainstorming below:

1) The mud on my face is soil, the IJ soil… Picture will show an IJ girl in the army uniform, going through an obstacle course, sweaty and of course showing the victory sign with mud on the face.

2) Who has the spirit?"... "Who has flagging spirits?". Picture will show IJ girls after a 40km route march (Read: window shopping from Takashimaya to Plaza Singapura and back - shagged, demoralised and close to exhaustion, but with loads of shopping bags.

3) "Who will keep us safe?" IJ girl, carrying the IJ praying bear, with a candle by the side. Stack of A maths homework and a teacher with stern eyes watching.

4) "Who has the motivation?" -> Picture will show the miserly allowance that IJ girls get every month. "You pay me peanuts, you get a monkey". What else can be added to show why IJ girls lack motivation?

Nonetheless, I conclude that girls who join NCC aren't very feminine. Trust me there is an old saying that 10% of the Singapore girls are ugly and they are all in the army.

(For the record, Mr Ng have nothing against the army or the NCC or even the uniform groups in IJ. He is praying very hard that he will not be made the Teacher in charge of any of the uniform groups for the next year as he is still blissfully happy in Track and Field. Nonetheless he also awaits “snipers” with their 2 cents worth of comments.)