The One about Teachers' Day (Part 2) edited

So teachers' day celebration came and went. On the whole, it was a yucky feeling. For me at least, for it was a quiet and largely ignored teacher day celebration. Fast forwarded, when people move at lightning speed, when conversations were engaged, and there I was sitting in the little cubicle I can call my workdesk as I ploughed laboriously on this entry.Lost was the feeling, Indifference is the attitude, and of course downcast was generally the mode of expression.

I was wondering why I can't feel anything. Maybe true to what my principal ask, "have you adjusted?" Yes maybe the hustle and bustle of stuff, the need to finish stuff at lightning speed, and to literally run rather than walk the pace. But sad to say, to the students, a firm no when it come to adjusting to them?

It was in the school culture that the students will write dedications to nominate the teachers they like as the most caring teacher for the year, and it will be painstakingly compiled by the admin staff into nice little folders with all the sheets of dedications. Kinda Teacher Idol. The one with the highest number of dedications will be the most caring teacher. I was very appreciative of what the admin staff do, and it was a painful reminder :P to say the least, how the students see you. With a pathetic number of 4 or 5 dedications, I must have been the feeling of a Gayle Nerva in SI 2006. And interestingly, it was the normal class which wrote the bulk of the measly 5 for me. It did warm my cold cold heart and got my spirit up from the depth of netherland. Likewise the thing where not even 1 from your form class do sum up my relationship with my class. I do not want to bear grudges, for I have to admit, investment to build up a relationship required both parties, and I seems to have this fatass inertia.

I shared at a causal gathering last nigh with a bunch of my new colleagues. I couldnt comprehend why is it that I could touch lives and make a difference in my previous school, where students in their Uni years now, send me congratulatory smses and gave me phone calls of concern, why is it that kids are comfortable enough to have opportunities to have lunch, dinner or tea with me. But yet in this new place, I have become just a education officer ( not a teacher). I read a book by John Maxwell "the 17 Indisputable laws of teamwork" and I remember particularly 1 episode which I read, where he mentioned sometimes a person can't perform in the environment was due to the fact that he/she is not a lousy player, he/she was just playing in the wrong team. Recounting this episode to my colleagues, I asked myself, could it be I have joined the wrong team?"

My wife once said that I have joined the right profession. Being narcissistic in a non-obsessive manner, I strive on recognition, external or internal. Motivation play a very important role for me. And it has to say, it is a sinking feeling today to say the least.

Sometimes I do understand that recently I have been showing too much of my vulnerabilities and idiosyncracies, to the people that I have loved, and people who loved and unloved or not even know me.. :P Unlike trisha, thatjedi, kelvin, who are shrouded in secrecy. I am literally foolishly brave, or bravely foolish to reveal myself ( call it narcissistic! :P)

Maybe things would be better next year. There will be a next year.

(PS I do miss the presents from the IJ girls, edible, inedible cookies, functional, dysfunctional pieces of art, beautiful words and sentences, I miss reading them.... Opps here I go again. :( )

(PS thank for the concern, but I am feeling much better now, the dinner I had with some of my new colleagues until 2 am in the morning was a good reliver.)